Grief is personal, unique and universal. Grief is defined as the normal emotional response to an external and consciously recognized loss. There is no time limit on grief and no one is exempt.
It was a little over a year ago that I received a phone call one Monday morning about the death of a loved one. Then it seemed like for the next several weeks I would receive that same call about the death of a dear one. I began to dread Monday mornings. As a Licensed therapist/school counselor I assist others as they walk through grief. This was a different experience and I wondered what was going on in the world that such young people should die before they really had a chance to live. Grief is powerful, in that it can bring relief or shock us into silence. The one thing I know about grief is that it will knock you to your knees. It’s personal, messy and beautiful.
Recently I received a call from a friend telling me they had lost one of their parents. We had discussed the difficulty of seeing one’s parent suffer with health issues, and the difference of opinions with siblings about holding on or letting go. It’s difficult either way my friend stated because this is the person who stood strong for you. My friend leaned on their faith in God during these times but often wondered what was the point in all the suffering when faith says we are healed. In the end my friend rejoices yet grieves.
Grief is powerful and a conundrum of different feelings. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Not everyone will go through all of them or in any particular order. There is no linear time lines in grief. It is a natural reaction to loss.
Grief becomes an issue when we push it down or start acting out in unhealthy ways. Sometimes you get stuck in one stage and need help working through your feelings. This is when one should seek help. Help can look different for everyone. Here are a few suggestions: talk to a friend, find a support group, talk with clergy or seek the help of a professional counselor. For those who are suffering from grief that is debilitating please seek out professional help immediately.
I often get asked about children and grief. A child’s reaction to grief is completely different from adults. Here are a few helpful thoughts about understanding how children react to loss. The first major factor determining reactions to death is the emotional and chronological age of the child. Infants and toddlers emotional response to loss may be by crying, difficulty sleeping or eating, or clinging behavior. Children 2 to 7 years of age may think they caused the death. They also may respond to loss by acts of regression, lack of feeling, explosive emotions, fear, acting out behavior, guilt, and sadness. Children at this age require constant reassurance and repeated explanations in order to make sense of the loss. By the time a child is 7 to 8 years old they are aware that death is irreversible, inevitable, and natural part of life.
Grief in children can have damaging effects. Children who are in the grief process need to be able express their feelings to prevent the possibility of any emotional or social challenges later in life. Even though some children may receive the love and nurturing needed from their family to process and heal from grief they may still benefit from the referral of a professional clinician.
I suggest to parents and guardians to talk with them as soon as possible to explain about the loss. Make sure they are in a familiar setting when you talk with them. Use words the child can understand. Try and maintain a normal routine. When the child expresses anxiety and fear address them quickly in an appropriate manner. Last, provide opportunities for the child to remember their loved one.
Other suggestions I give my clients is to use writing and art to process their grief. A goodbye letter is often helpful in expressing grief and finding closure. I find these forms very helpful when used with children and young adults. In whatever way you choose to walk out your journey of grief, know that you are not alone. Death and dying are necessary to living but the trauma of death can be overcome with love and time.
Kissandra Joubert M.Ed., LPC
